Here I am.
To feel the presence of the lord is an amazing thing.
As I sit here embracing this moment in which I write to an unknown audience, I long for purpose.
As a mother, I’ve certainly made mistakes and learned from them, but I will not fail at being a mother. These 2 children of mine will know strength, and courage due to my experiences. I will never move on from Brian, but I will move sideways. I have a void that will never be filled nor will I try to fill it. But there is room for new journeys and chapters. I long for peace. I long for more than being identified as a widow. Oh my I am a f****** wreck. But still I stand. Hi audience. Name is Lyndsey, and boy do I have a story for you. 🙂
Easter this year was a mess. I was emotionally distraught. Anberlynn wanted more than what she got, and Lenny’s birthday was a wreck. Moving down here, I have exhausted all of my time and money to move on from Brian’s death. Even moving to a state where many think I do not belong. Hadley’s first Easter as well. Though she’ll never remember, it was still a wreck. I felt defeated. I couldn’t provide financially for my family and money is the root to all evil. Brian told me that. We tried to overcome it by jumping rope in the back-yard, and playing Mario Kart. At the end of the day to which I thought was a disaster, Anberlynn looks at me and says “Mommy, this was the best Easter ever!” I over worried myself for nothing. She was happy and grateful, Lenny was appreciative for the cake, and candles and gift cards. So maybe it’s not so bad after all? Life as I know it is way different than I ever expected. I live in NC, Brian’s family and I don’t even speak, my family is on the other side of the USA, I am in an adult relationship, and my god I have a 10 lb dog. Well maybe, just maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe JUST MAYBE, I can do this.