Love can come in all shapes, expressions, gestures, and endearing acts.
I love my children,
I love my A/C
I love many things,
however I have no room for hate in my heart.
Now looking at a deeper angle. Acquiring the ability to love should be treated as a gift. My love has been battered, beaten, abused, and thrown away like a dirty diaper. So would you blame me for considering NEVER to open up my heart again? Of course not. You don’t come back from your spouses death without having resentment, and a sour taste in your mouth.
But God has a plan for me.
He didn’t put me on his green earth to never love again.
When you take into consideration all of your past, and negative or positive memories, yet, you can still live to see another day, there is another day to love again.
Brian’s death taught me much more about love than resentment over his death. Many value your love, and it doesn’t come in the form of materialistics. It comes in actions, and compassion. Love took on a whole nother form after he died. People from around the world dropped everything on a dime and headed to the DC area. Not for me, for him. The amount of love was impeccable. Showing support for me was something I couldn’t bare to be without in that time. I loved Brian and everything he was. He and I had a love that could never be replaced, and it shouldn’t. Our love taught me lessons about how I feel, and how to love. I love in a whole nother form. I hug my kids extra tight, and take more time in my life to observe and soak it in. My family and I have always had an interesting relationship. I’ve always felt like the black sheep, and so when Brian died it wasn’t much of a surprise I didn’t return to my roots. I felt empty and alone more than ever. And of course Brian’s family chose to blame me. Which by the way, I understand. I don’t agree with it, nor do I respect it, but I understand. Brian left this world putting most of his hurt and anger at me. So it makes sense to put something on me like I pulled the trigger. Well needless to say, Love isn’t in that world anymore, which by the way took a lot of therapy. Then I look at it like a false love. Like was all that love ever real? or a façade. Who knows, what I do know, is my love has been tested.
It’s been one of those times where I sit and do the whole;
“Who Am I?, What does it all mean?”
bla bla bla
Well in the last 2 years, I’ve come to understand that I may not love certain people anymore, but that doesn’t mean I can’t give love to others. Now comes the newer Love. Lenny came into my life unexpectedly. I didn’t automatically start loving him one day. I was broken, bent, whatever you want to call it, I was all things shattered. He was patient. He hated the fact I hurt the way you couldn’t just fix. He knew my hurt, and was there. Just there. didn’t ask for anything, didn’t expect anything from me. His parents knew I was hurting and it hurt them to see me hurt, but they welcomed us into their home without any hesitation. Now if I were a guy, I’d be like “Shit, she has a lot of baggage that needs 2 carts, and I do NOT have time for that.” But they didn’t treat me like anything other than a person. He helped me understand that though, I may have been married and involved with a whole different aspect of my life, there was room for change. It’s taken time for me to learn to love someone other than Brian. But though I don’t intend to fill that void, another chapter can begin, and it’s healthy for that journey to begin.
Do you ever feel like there is something more to life? Maybe, just maybe, God has bigger plans. Well he sure does. I got up the courage to move out of the area Brian and I had set roots, and made a choice for the love of my new/but still old family.
I love the ocean.
I love the ocean.
I didn’t think it would be possible to pick up and leave, start a new journey and learn that my love knows no bounds. It’s possible to move into a new book of your life. Brian’s love for me was abundant. He knew my worth and made my life incredible. He also shattered it in the blink of an eye. Now I don’t know about you, but dear baby Jesus does Love punch you in the throat sometimes. I love my life as it is now, due to the feeling of losing it. I appreciate those who show love, offer love, and receive it. Love cannot be bound. I know Jesus loves me. He’s provided me with life, and in doing so, I love him. I love my 2 children for those stinky dirty feet are my creation. I love Lenny. I love that he hasn’t given up on me, gave me time to heal, offered support, and was selfless enough to give me a shoulder to cry on. He also gave me a beautiful Butterball. I’ve learned to love in a new way, and I am so appreciative of that ability. If I had closed myself off after Brian at the age of 25, I’d be the infamous cat lady who shut everyone out and loved cat-haired furniture and litter box smells. Of course some wish I had become that lady and think I deserve death, but at the end of the day, if God didn’t want me to be here where I am now, I wouldn’t be here where I am now. He’s given me life, and love.
Jesus loves me this I know,
for my life will tell you so.