When I find myself doubting my self-worth and purpose, I rise.
Even though I handled my husbands death in my own way, I still understood what needed to be done next.
I knew that even though Brian was pretty personal, and kept to himself, he still impacted so many. Many struggle to this day with his death. He joked, he even made a mockery of himself, but he never let down his brothers and sisters in arms. He stood for something. He knew what it was like to feel worthless, and ashamed of his image. He didn’t want that for anyone, so he bared it himself. Low and behold he bared too much.
Constantly, I reassured him, constantly, I told him he deserved all he had. His response?? “I love you, but no matter how much you reassure me, I will never be ok with myself.” And he lived by that. He could never be ok with what he had, he told me he didn’t deserve me as a wife, and Anberlynn as a daughter. He would reminisce of times as a kid where his siblings and friends would make jokes of his weight, and of course in Brian fashion, he ran with it and played it off. There planted the seed of ache and pain. Of course war didn’t help. Perfection was at it’s all-time high and he tried so hard. A man can only build so much hatred towards himself before it collapses. They say “You keep knocking on the devil’s door, eventually someone’s going to answer.” He knew it was him on the other side of that door.
He never faltered at saving others though. He protected them and shielded them from the storm inside. I saw his dark side at peak times of anger. His anger and resentment would sky-rocket. I handled it the best way I could. I reassured him. As a wife to know your actions and words are meaningless, in other words, I failed. I failed at providing my husband with the emotional support he needed to get past this. No matter how hard I tried, I would cry and cry knowing he wasn’t at peace. In his last few days, Brian saw a chaplain. He confessed his sins, aimed to be a better man, and wanted to get help. The moment I saw a humbled man, I cried my eyes out. He talked with peace, he acted with grace. He was at peace. Brian Michael made peace with the lord, because he knew what he needed to do. He needed to be with the lord. He longed for the final ease, he so desperately needed.
Brian chose to end his life.
Brian much like Robin Williams, took all the hits, shame, and self-doubt for himself. He knew what it was like to feel worthless, therefore he refused to make anyone else feel that way. He harbored in all of the negative, swallowed it down whole, and bared one last hit, so he could finally rest easy.
I am a peace with Brian’s decision for I know the amount of pain he kept inside.
I have chosen to honor him in a way that he was known for best. Being there for others. Giving others support and being that shoulder to cry on.
I’ve got a mission, and I plan to achieve and succeed.