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Easy A

Change is never easy.

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 So.. is this the part of my life where I refer to Easy A, embroider an M for murderer on my attire, D for disrespectful, or C for Crazy?

When Emma Stone decides to not care about how she’s perceived,  she boasts a whorish side that people suspect she’s doing. In the end, she wasn’t anything people thought. Much like myself, people run rumors, suspect a side of deep devilish motives, and ends up being totally different. or perhaps I should say f*** the world, and spit out some gangster Eminem style raps. Bash everyone who ever hurt me, and make a song of it. While I could see Brian loving that because of his love for Eminem and his legendary songs that destroyed peoples sanity, but that’s not my outlet.

Welcome to my world lads and lasses.

Has anyone asked for my side of the story? No. At some point in time, I definitely would use my time and energy to prove otherwise.

Present the facts

Submit the evidence

and go to no-end to prove my case in front of the jury.

At the end of the day, it’s totally worthless. I was told I drove my husband to his death, keep my daughter from his family, disrespect everyone and at the end of the day, how do I LIVE WITH MYSELF?!? My lord if that was the case, I would have took my own life.

 

Last time I checked, Brian and I were married, having sex with each other and farting in each others presence. No where in that day to day life was this evil excuse of a human they call…..well me. So as far as the world knows, our marriage was picture perfect. So people making assumptions, trying to put a demon mask on my face, and blaming me doesn’t sound like a far fetched statement. We were a private couple. 2 things he never wanted me to discuss

Financial .

Personal issues.

Believe me, it was difficult.

I would vent to “family”  about issues I experienced, and even started therapy. But Brian never wanted people to know our business. So of course his death being as tragic as they come, questions remain unanswered.

No one knew he suffered so severely. I saw it but he handled it as well as he could. He prevented it from controlling him, but his lack of self-confidence really took over. We suffered in our last month of marriage, and it’s difficult to understand why he felt the need to end it there. I started work for the first time in our marriage, and so our parenting role was an equal 50/50. He had a hard time adapting. I was the back-bone of our family by sacrificing my work, I stayed at home and cared for everyone by cleaning, and cooking. So you’d imagine going back to work, was going to take a toll due to everyone being busy. I got to socialize, and Brian would bring Anberlynn to see me at work. It was great. At first. but then something changed.

It suddenly became more of a hassle. Our schedules didn’t align, and Brian started to question my trust. Now he had issues before, and little but they weird off.

He wouldn’t show up to her soccer games.

He would lie about his dedication to work.

So things were changing and forming into something we didn’t want. Never once have I questioned our marriage. We married young but we were soul mates. Everyone said we were weird but weird together. I hate these thoughts now. I feel like a façade took place.

Flashback to July 2015, Brian’s depression took a beating. He felt the need to push me away, therefore I pushed him away. We drifted. I would go to the bar after work because I was already out in the night, so I’d stop and have a drink or eat something, and it offended him. He was home with our child and I was out. Now to my defense I hadn’t ever done that EVER. So my moment of space was awesome, but Brian was now a 50% parent instead of a 25% parent. He was gone a lot in the USAF. He wasn’t there for us, and his motto “Service over self.” so you can imagine where that left us. His strict schedule didn’t appreciate my independence. So I faultered in that way. I wish I would have taken his word to heart. But I knew it would be ok somehow. We could make this work. I wanted to make this work. It was a rollercoaster with his moods. One day it would be a love letter, romantic bath with flower petals, the next day would be “we are not separating, we are divorcing.” Wishy-Washy. He would have fits of anger at home, bang his head against the wall, and even trigger his PTSD issues. (night-terrors)

During all of our last month of struggles, nobody knew. At some point, he wanted to see a chaplain. He knew he needed to fix the issues he personally struggled with, as I was in counseling myself. He was going to see mental health, and instead took Anberlynn and left the state. His frustrations, and our arguments landed him in the hospital under anxiety, and stress. He was worried our marriage was over, and he couldn’t handle it. I wanted my husband back, and I knew he was a different man, but we could have worked through it. After discharged from the hospital, he came home with Anberlynn. We seemed to be in a better state, as we went grocery shopping together, and spent the day as our little trio. I didn’t know he had already created his suicide letters, hid his angry letters, and already decided on his fate. The last morning I ever saw Brian, he walked into our bedroom, and said

I am sorry for everything I’ve done, and I am sorry for everything I am about to do.

My husband of 6 years walked out for the last time. Now the night before, he left and went out. I hadn’t known his whereabouts, but I thought he needed some time to himself. I didn’t know he was searching for a “spot”. He told me he wanted to separate maybe go to counseling. I didn’t know this until after. I never once asked Brian for a divorce. I knew our situation was tense but I didn’t expect to end our marriage. He wasn’t in the right frame of mind, so what he was saying wasn’t him. It wasn’t who we were.

Even though he left on bad terms, left a pretty harsh letter, he still wanted his family to remain in-tact. Now family means Anberlynn, I and his parents. That didn’t happen. I wanted to do something for her and I as I knew we needed a new start. Brian and I always wanted to move to the Carolina’s where he would scuba dive or snorkel, maybe play golf with Davis, and watch our kids grow up. So I moved to the water. We have been here now a month, and our anxiety is less than it ever has been, we are at the beach 4 days a week at least, and we’ve come to understand our new life. After Brian died, I was miserable. I tried to find an outlet, I even went out a couple times to get my mind at ease. I ended up no-where with that.

Brian’s death taught me a lot of true tales, he told me once before. He warned of the harassment he had seen. When he decided on enlisting in the USAF, he told me he wanted to get away. He had never felt as if he was adequate in his family. Black sheep he was. Never fitted in, and so he made me promise him we would never have 3 kids. He never wanted a middle child to experience what he had. I agreed, because I never knew that logic. He felt like he could prove himself successful by enlisting, and becoming a man. So meeting him after 2 deployments, self esteem troubled childhood, and a bad break up, he was a broken man. He maintained a rough exterior but he was soft as butter. When he had lost 2 people he had deployed with, and worked with, he was livid. It destroyed him. He honored them in rucks, or took a shot and a beer on their death anniversary. But never would I have imagined he was going to be added to that ritual.

Our marriage was a lesson for us both to learn to love.

Life was easy, loving was a learning lesson. Both suffering in that department, we both had to really try.

So now that I have enlightened some of my audience. Being framed as this mass evil entity, it sucks. Can’t say it doesn’t make me think, because I do the whole “woulda, coulda, shoulda” after hearing over and over, I am to blame. Through therapy, I have come to realize Anberlynn needs healthy relationships. She needs to be surrounded by good healthy people that can control themselves. She deserves that at least. She isn’t around people she once was, because of their inability to cope with Brian’s death, and control their temper. Instead it’s a lash-out session at me. So I keep my distance. Therapist says “it takes time.”  “you cannot change their mind on how they feel.”

I get it. but before you judge, understand this

There is 2 sides to every story and maybe 3, but I have done the best I can, and will continue to protect my child from evil that exists.

So if I have to take a million hits to keep us safe, I will be one harmed human, but I will do everything I can to be a good mother, and teach my kids right.

 

One thought on “Easy A

  1. You are such a strong woman. No matter what outsiders say, remember that is exactly what they are…..outsiders. It’s okay to separate from negativity, no matter who it is.

    Like

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