Uncategorized · Widow

Strength.

Strength.

This word is the my life summed up in one 8 letter word.

Many see my strength as an example that everyone should envy. I’ve had to be strong even when I don’t want to. Of course there is always more than what’s seen on the surface.

I feel sad. Defeated. Not sure where to turn. I feel vulnerable. Yet I know I am going to get through it. Many but not all know I suffer from Celiac disease. The only cure known to us is a strictly gluten free diet. Even something that seems simple can be complex. Reading labels, taking longer in the store, controlling cravings, and trying to fit in. When I found out I had celiac, of course every puzzle piece in the couch covered in hair now seemed to fit. Relatively knew to the U.S. friends and family didn’t seem to understand it, so in result, I felt disrespected. Brian of course was all team-gluten free family. We maintained a great diet, and he was always supporting it. Our families didn’t really pay too much attention as they could care less. They would send me random gluten free items, without any thought as to what it actually was. Since 2013, my parents have definitely come around to the lifestyle that I’ve been given. My mother especially prepares gluten free meals, and makes me feel accepted in this world of disarray.  

Now of course having this disease, I know better to eat gluten. Brian’s death though took me for a toll, that I hadn’t realized till last week. I met with a life coach to talk about nutrition planning and how I was doing with controlling my need to eat gluten. We both realized it at the same time. I consume gluten because I know eventually I would die by a trickle effect of health problems. Brian’s death has made me not fear death. Now i’m not going dare-devilish and trying to die but I don’t stop it either. I self harm myself with gluten. The evidence isn’t there, no one can see it, and only I know it. Hard conclusion to come to. I’ve already started noticing my health decline, however some days are worse than others.

I can imagine what you are thinking.

This isn’t an easy blog to write. I wish I had it easier than I’ve got. God didn’t put these events in my life so I could give up.

My support system isn’t what you’d think. I’ve chosen to alienate myself from my family, and I really only speak to my parents. Most who chose to be a shoulder to cry on, have leaned back into their own lives. So I feel like I’ve been left to my own mind, and the destructive thoughts that run over and over. So it’s kind of a puzzling situation.

I am strong??

That is what they say anyway. You are only as strong as your equal counterpoint. So if I can push through weakness, my strength will succeed.

That photo above was a mothers day card, given to me. Such a simple phrase, but an overwhelming meaning. She has chosen to support me no matter how crazy our families have been. It seems as if opting for a life outside of our families was our best way to survive. They say blood is thicker than water, but I’ve got friends that aren’t blood that have proven contrary to what “they” say. Now that I think of it, blood hasn’t gotten nearly as far as water has. If blood was so thick, you’d wonder why such strong bonds are formed elsewhere.

Don’t fall in suit of others. You’ll only walk the same path.

I’ve chosen my own path, as I am as strong as I seem.

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