This can get interestingly sticky.
Given that the U.S. develops statistics based on many different things, we can state that
- Number of marriages: 2,140, 272 (49 reporting States and D.C)
- Marriage rate: 6.9 per 1,000 total population (49 reporting States and D.C)
- Number of divorces: 813,862 (45 reporting States and D.C.)
- Divorce rate: 3.2 per 1,000 population (45 reporting States and D.C.)
We can obviously narrow down statistics based on our lives specifically and how it would pertain to us, but many of us may feel as though we are our own little statistic.
With the numbers being very “normal” nowadays, divorce is in our family one way or another. As if the old morals we once lived off of have died off, and now much of the rules don’t apply as we have created our own morals.
I never anticipated divorcing once I married, even if that meant marrying at 19.
Now this goes deeper.
When we get married, we become apart of another family. We don’t necessarily base our relationships off of the relationships our family has with one another. So feeling like an “outsider” pretty much becomes the norm. With Brian and I, we both felt like black sheep, so I wasn’t so determined to feel approved by them. He didn’t even feel approved. But one thing for sure, I was an outsider whether I liked it or not. As much as we want to feel accepted, there is always a gut feeling of being outcasted. Never feeling whole. Now you can get along with everyone just fine, but when the road gets rough, sides will divide, and guess what? You are outcasted. Even though I was married into a family, I didn’t ever feel like I belonged. And now I can stand affirmed, that is how they felt as well. When families hold each others back, we tend to lose sight of the right frame of mind.
Growing up, I was held accountable for my actions, and I plan to raise my kids the same way. After getting married, despite my mother being my mother, she would side with who was of reason. It didn’t matter I was blood, because we needed reason and not condoning bad behavior. Sadly, I’ve realized that many families don’t hold true. One of Brian’s relatives was having a hard time in his/her marriage, and he/her was drinking, and choosing to do the wrong thing. However despite this relative bringing his/her problems in themselves, his family chose to side with him/her anyway. Didn’t matter than he/she did it to themselves. Brian didn’t side with him/her. He sided with reason. So the fact that his family was condoning their actions, didn’t surprise Brian. Instead, this relatives spouse was outcasted because he/she wasn’t “family”.
Now despite my experiences like the one above, I will choose not to raise my kids differently from one another. They may have different DNA, but both will be treated equal. I have realized more recently, because of Anberlynn’s tragedy, people try to overcompensate by saying she’s loved “more”. Or a saying people may come up with is “Oh we love Hadley, but we LOOoOooove Anberlynn.”
First off, she doesn’t need that fake façade of an excuse. She definitely gets a different treatment and its hard to miss due to the over-dramatic choice of expression. It feels as if her and I are nomads.
We don’t belong with anyone but each other.
So when you start dating someone, and you meet their family, genuine feelings are appreciated.
Anberlynn is strong, and she doesn’t need sympathy. She needs genuine family who does love her for her, and not treated special because she’s had such a tragedy. She shouldn’t be defined by it, and she needs to feel like a normal kid. I continue to help her understand that she has everything/anything her sister has. She shouldn’t be treated differently. Always in the back of my mind, when I hear comments that are fake, my initial response is to say something, but Brian once told me “people can’t handle the truth.” So it is best if I bite my tongue. Eventually true family will outshine others.
Like I’ve posted before. blood isn’t everything. I have many friends who aren’t blood that matter more to me and have been so consistent, that the “family” isn’t really “family”.
We want to be accepted at the end of the day.
We want to feel as though we are family with no divide.
Truth be told, there is always that off-feeling of being an outsider.
I anticipate my girls to know the difference, and even if you get that off-feeling. We shouldn’t go out of our way to get their approval. It’s not necessary other than to your significant other. That’s who you are with.
Time will tell. As always.