Widow

More than a memory

And piece by piece, he collected me up where you abandoned me,

and piece by piece he restored my faith, cause unlike you he will put me first.

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This weekend has caused me to be distraught, numb, and convinced I inherited Brian’s mentality.

A series of events flow through my mind as I try to regain strength from such a tragedy that I survived. I wish I didn’t feel the way I did about myself sometimes. Brian saw himself as a down-right bad person to the core. I sometimes feel this way also. Though I am surrounded by love and support, I abandon my own body when it comes to feeling. I want to survive this devastation with an overwhelming power of strength.

The beach is a get-away, now I have turned my spare room into a bow room where I create bows. I resort to this destination when I feel utterly horrible. Some days I feel like I shouldn’t live anymore. That my weakness and the devil has overcome my spirituality. But I can’t. I won’t.

The devil will not win this war.

Lenny’s ability to overcome my weakness, pick me up, and show me love and give me support has saved my life. I would not be able to continue on without his strength. He loves me. He makes me whole. Something I battle with on my own insecurity. He sees more than I do in myself. Empowers me to achieve anything I can put my mind to. Hadley’s ability to be humble and gentle has given me more joy of motherhood than I did when Anberlynn was her age. Before, I was distraught, overwhelmed and anxiety was through the roof. Now I can go to the DMV with 2 kids in tow, and be perfectly happy. It’s great. I could have 5 more children with this kind of ease.

I have to overcome this war. I still have so much to do.

Please dear lord, do not let me fail, and if I shall falter, I will overcome this. Lord give me strength. Provide me with what I need in order to provide for my kids.

The great lesson learned from Brian has come in the form of true sight. I do not dwell on outside behavior, comments, negativity.

Despite how you feel about my life and what I have done to provide a better environment for my kids, Lenny and I are raising these 2 girls together. He is parenting both of them and does not see Anberlynn as his step-child. He provides her a roof, transportation, love, and support like any other father. If you have a problem, take it up with god. For some people on this earth, I wouldn’t be so worried about seeing God as I would be for Brian. People will have to answer to their actions and disrespect. Just like God, Brian see’s all. We intend on respecting him, and holding our family to the upmost standards in making him proud. Some may not agree with my decisions, however my life has been set out by God. GOD. NOT YOU. We don’t get to choose what we are born into, but we do get to choose who we spend our lives with. HE CHOSE ME.

God didn’t deal me my cards expecting for me to fold. I play my hand, and deal with it.

Despite my inability to deal with Brian’s death, I do know he would be standing by my side on my decisions. I am glad I got the Man and not the Boy most people are grieving.

With this weekend ending with a day of respect for the fallen, I embrace my role in my families lives, and show Brian a great deal of respect.

At the end of the day, he is more than a memory.

 

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