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Agony

You can’t win them all.

My sister-in-law’s words during a dilemma. Which totally makes me agree being in my life’s predicament.

The severity of agony one can experience over a tragedy is so deep rooted, that we simply cannot move on the way we want to. I cannot tell you. You have few life-long choices. Now I am not talking about choosing out a car, or which toilet to shit in. I am talking about a life decision that reflects the rest of your life. The person whom you choose to spend your life with. When the kids grow up and follow their own dreams, it is the relationship you choose to stay true to when everyone else decides their own fate.

Now this bond stays continuous forever. You live, breed, die together. That’s a life decision you take seriously, cautiously and faithfully.

So when that life partner is gone abruptly one day.

The world stands still.

Where do we go from here?

We don’t choose who our family, but we do choose what to do from here.

We married young. We never had any doubt of our love though. We knew where we wanted to go, and how we wanted to get there. We didn’t need anyone else but us. He left PA to persue the military. He didn’t feel like he belonged there when he had such a mental struggle growing up. He was an oddball growing up and had told me of times where people would crack jokes on his weight. He learned to develop resentment on his siblings and even friends. but then again, we didn’t choose these people.

Our decision to marry in Feb came from the catastrophic even of Haiti. It was a sudden decision even though we had a wedding planned in April.

We didn’t want an expensive wedding due to our belief that we didn’t need that stuff. Anberlynn was born in July of that year, and together we made the best Trio. Anything was possible when we were together.

Again…..the devastation reflects these events.

My husband. He died. I was in a million pieces on the floor the night chaplains came to my door. The image in my mind floods my eyes with tears as I write this. Men in full service blues walking to my door to tell me my husband had taken his life.

Brian felt as intense about me as I did about him.

No one mattered more to Brian than I did. At some point he felt that we may seperate. That maybe we were not meant for each other. And in that moment he considered the possibility was his last moment on earth.

Brian didn’t care about anyone else in that time. Because of how serious he took our marriage. If he couldn’t be with me, he couldn’t live at all. He didn’t live for his parents, his brother and sisters in arms, no cousin, pastor, or superior. He lived for me, as I did for him.

So giving up his life because he felt like we wouldn’t be together moving forward, he didn’t want to see that life. I was the only one worth living for, and even I ended up not being enough.

Brian and I had our fare share of marital balance. We coped with it. Nothing was worth staying mad over. In the last 2 months of Brian’s life. His demeanor changed. In a way, that’s hard to describe. His critical thinking mentality was now severe. He gave zero fucks about others.

He could care less about people.

and his presence seemed lost.

Losing Brian has costed me more agonizing pain, and horrific thoughts, and most importantly happiness. I have been robbed of everything the day he died. I try to move on. Everyday I get up and I try.

I try to parent.

I try to find happiness.

Lenny deserves an unbroken woman that has the strength of a lion.

But days like this rob me of that strength. and explode emotions from deep within.

Our family is great. Hadley is the perfect addition to our family. Anberlynn has joy in her life again. Lenny comforts her and loves unconditionally. Something that both her and I need.

I am having to rebuild from nothing. with nothing. I didn’t get rich off of Brian’s death. I didn’t gain anything. I was left holding the bag. A home that I lost. Vehicles, I could not regain. All of these items that mean nothing when they don’t have purpose.

I now suffer from losing what I do have because Brian’s wishes weren’t honored. His death severed ties far and wide.

I have faith I will either find my way, or die trying.

I don’t fear death like I used to. But that doesn’t mean i am trying to die.

Giving me the purpose of children, and the companionship of my boyfriend, I cannot say I am totally lost to the world. I am now having to track my footsteps of survival. If that means working 6 jobs, killing my back, and slaving away. My kids will be OK.

Recently I found out degenerative disc disease has spread from my L5 to now L4-L3. A week ago I injured my back in an accident. Now I can barely walk. Surgery is in my midst and I have to try and be strong. My kids need me. Lenny needs me. and I need them. Say a prayer. I know Brian is guiding me to the right direction. If he had it his way, we would be fruitful in love.

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