Uncategorized · Widow

50 Shades of Blue

I momentarily had to decide whether I wanted to live anymore.


I’ve been bullied, and attacked to the point where life didn’t seem much of an option for myself.

I got my kids in the car, I started to drive. I called Lenny and said I am going to this mental health organization, please come get the kids. I can conjure so many ways to die, but I have so many ways I can live.

Own up to it!  Take responsibility!!!

These words will be the death of me one day. I am going to lay down some facts for all you non-lyndsey believing idiots.

-I did not cheat on my husband. You are the people that believe Divorce was thrown into my marriage….It wasn’t. Brian and I suffered within ourselves, not our marriage. The big game changer was me after 6 years of being home with our daughter decided to get a job. That changes our family balance quite a bit. Now Anberlynn is being juggled between jobs, and our family time dwindles. Much like you’d think, Brian had a hard time with this. Wasn’t in his realm of picture perfect family. So instead of trying to work it out, he sought his outlets of being alone, not coming home, and I sought out mine. I drank. Which many Lyndsey knowledged people know, I NEVER DRINK. Not in my blood and I refuse to raise my kids around it.

-This is a big one for the people conjuring up ideas. My lawyer who attended my husbands Wake service, was in fact my lawsuit attorney for my car accident case that took place in Pittsburgh. Sadly I knew who exactly this rumor stemmed from as I look at him/her as I was introducing him to my mother. Sorry to burst your bubbles guys, but I am going to continue to make a mockery out of you.

-Hadley. She was conceived in late Sept/Early Oct. NOT IN JULY OR AUG. She wasn’t not a wedlock baby, and she saved my life. She was born 5 weeks early. Due to my stress, heartbreak, and constant bullied mentality, My body gave up on her at 28 weeks. She stopped growing at 24. I was in the hospital for the better part of 4 weeks before the doctors readied her for arrival. once again, your cheating scandal theory is going up in smoke.

-Lenny. He wasn’t intended to be involved with a widow. Hell no one would want that kind of baggage like myself. But he never asked for anything but a shoulder to lean on. His family took us in, and gave us love. Never asked for anything in return. Now as far as how I met him. Once again after Brian’s death, I wanted to get drunk. Nikki and I went out on the town one night, and met marvelous Lenny.


There you have it. These twisted, sick rumors are fucking crazy, right?! I remember telling my lawyer about them, and he found it sick and hilarious. Couldn’t believe people thought so low of me as to think of such things! Well despite these rumors, I still know what happened. No but me can account for anything but me, and I never lie. The cold hard truth will come from me, and I try to remove my feelings as much as possible. I am Brian’s wife, remember? He wouldn’t of married an idiot. He married someone just like him. We didn’t suffer with our marriage because we were too busy suffering within ourselves. Brian stuck to a strict schedule in which he devoted his time to working on his body, and being the best agent. He spent long hours before and after work at the gym. He had tried weight-loss pills, supplements, and routines so he could be as fit as he wanted. The problem with it; It would never do. He would never be satisfied. This made me an impossible wife. I would never be able to make him whole, that hurt me. Even after he made Tech, he was still hard on himself for not getting a perfect score. He didn’t care he was going to be an 8-Year Tech. I would reassure him 200 times a day, and he’d still say,

Lynds, I love you, but I will never be okay with myself.

On Wednesday, I had decided I wanted to die, I was going to take my kids to a safe place, and leave. I couldn’t handle it anymore. My FB is deleted, my Instagram is Deactivated. I found a team of people helping me try to cope with this loss. My ultimate deciding factor was that I could not hurt my kids and especially Anberlynn. Although I have drafted up a Will and rest assured it’s provided with God-parents, I know she would be in safe hands. Anberlynn and I are the only ones that went to get professional help to deal with Brian. If you came out of Brian’s death thinking you can manage the world without mental help, you’ve got to be one stubborn individual or just sick. I cannot force goodness on anyone, but I can implement it in this house. With professional help, Anberlynn will have the best shot at a good life. With professional help, I won’t kill myself or let anyone get to me over Brian’s death. I wanted to turn 50 shades of blue on Wednesday. Not even my kids were in my mind that day. All I wanted to do was get rid of myself much like many people wish. So for now, i’ll try. I am going to keep trying for I know God has a plan for me. I’ve came from Hell. I’ve endured it.

My world has changed and I know this blog consists of my feelings, but I want to share this with you. Brian loved a lot of people. He avoided many people but the few who he let in were dear to him. He did love his siblings and his parents. He may have had some harsh feelings on some, but he’d always say, “well that’s just [insert name]. He knew he couldn’t change people, so he didn’t waste time on it. He was all about our family. I am a cold person at times. I seem like I didn’t give 2 shits about Brian. No, I did, you just have a negative outlook on me. But This blog is intended for you to get my aspect of life. I do love, and I do feel. Many think I moved on too soon. Well truth is, I will never move on. But that’s okay. I will never move forward, but probably sideways. I take my marriage and have learned, and became humble due to it. I will move sideways in good time. If you read this and find you would like to speak to me, please do.


Message me, or email me.



One thought on “50 Shades of Blue

  1. I’m glad you’re still writing. Keep it up sweetheart! Let it all out and hopefully someday you can be content. Love you.


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